Yakety
Lifestyle
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about the Latest Fashion, Magazines, things
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| The
Ages of Man |
THE
START
It's all any child can expect if the dad is present at the
conception
- Joe Orton, ENTERTAINING MR SLOANE, 1964
DADDY
One day it will be your turn to be a daddy, a caring sharing
parent with a beautiful bouncing baby. But what does 'trying
for a baby' actually mean? You discover about Pre-conception
and Pregnancy. You and your partner will know about the 'Right'
days and wrong days, and if you are still 'trying' you call
on the experts for help on how to become a parent. Parenting
is a new description for one of nature's oldest and strictest
customs, and one of life's most fulfilling experiences. You
know this, and you set about it in the best possible way.
THE
BIRTH
I know all about babies. I used to be one
- Groucho Marx, DUCK SOUP, 1936
NAPPIES
By now, if you've done everything right, you will hear the
patter of tiny feet. Bang! You are a daddy. And before you
can say coo-chi-coo baby has started its first imploring cry
of 'Dada'! You help with the tasks, change the nappies, pick
baby up when it cries. You become a doting father. There are
new items to buy. You've got 18 years of shopping ahead of
you, so you get off on the right foot. You begin as you mean
to go on. You check out the best nappies, and all the new
products in baby-world. You ask about carriers, varieties
of baby food, linen, nursery supplies, strollers, and toys.
You select only the things that will make your baby that much
more special, that much more adorable to you, as you forge
that all-important life enhancing bond.
SCHOOL
AGE
Ask me the three main priorities for Government, and I'll
tell you: education, education, and education.
- Tony Blair, BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, 1997
GROWING
UP
A new age dawns. Suddenly it's time for school. The first
day of school is a sad one for you and your child. The beautiful
baby is no longer entirely your property. You and your partner
must share with teachers and school heads. School life and
home life become segregated and defined, which in reality
means that when the little monsters are not annoying 'sir'
or 'miss' in class, they're home, causing havoc and applying
the pressure on you. There is never any peace for a parent.
Your little darlings bring you dreaded homework. You get embarrassed.
You don't know the answers to the questions fired at you.
You admit to not knowing the names of Henry VIII's wives.
You own up to knowing nothing about chemistry or biology.
But you help to solve the questions, to enable your pride
and joy to shine and to be the best in class.
TEENAGE
YEARS
It's so unfair - I hate you!
- Harry Enfield, BRITISH COMEDIAN, 1994 (as the teenager
Kevin, in BBC TV series, Harry Enfield and Chums)
CHEMISTRY
Its hormone time. The body's chemistry is on the boil. You
are prepared. Your little darlings have reached the angst-ridden,
moody teenage years where nothing is right and everyone, mostly
you, is to blame. Things get tough. But you can be sure of
one thing. Loud music is the pulse of a youthful body, 24
hours a day. It drives you mad. And then, there is sex, teenagers
love it. Nervously you preach the rights and wrongs about
life. You warn of the dangers of promiscuity, advise on contraception,
preach the perils of unwanted pregnancy. But your imploring
tones are mainly ignored as the youngsters sprawl about listening
to pop, seldom stirring. Suddenly just like the swallows at
the end of summer, they're off. Gone to begin a new life for
themselves, leaving you and your partner to ponder what to
do with the rest of yours. You cast your mind back to your
first faltering steps into adulthood and the world of work.
CAREER
MOVES
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for
hours. I love to keep it by me. The idea of getting rid of
it almost breaks my heart
- Jerome K. Jerome, author, THREE MEN IN A BOAT, 1889
WORK
Work is a dirty word, try and avoid it. Before getting down
to a worthwhile job that will draw profitably on your talents,
skills, and resources, you get out and see the world. It could
be your last chance. Travel fills the mind with new images,
experiences, tastes and smells. You're away from home. Nothing
is quite the same. You develop a new approach to life with
each fresh encounter. The experiences last forever and give
added enrichment to a life that will soon be ruled by employment
and the workplace.
When you get back from your travels you will be broke. This
will trigger the job search initiative.
You put your best points down on paper, list exam passes and
degrees, describe hobbies, and in a few words tell the would-be
employers a little bit about yourself. You blow your own trumpet.
Shrinking violets never bloom, you remind yourself. Success
with the job search is slow in arriving, but you keep on going
with some additions to the CV that put you head and shoulders
above the other 399 applicants for that perfect job - the
perfect job for life!
You find an ideal job. You get successful and before long
meet exactly the right girl, and hey!-ho! you're married.
Its time to settle down.
SETTLING
DOWN
The heart of a marriage is memories
- Bill Cosby, US comedian, 1989
HOUSE-HUNTING
It's nice to have a place to hang your hat and coat. Put your
feet up and pull the blankets over your head. You set out
to find a suitable property to begin married bliss. House-hunting
is stressful. It involves estate agents, surveyors and solicitors,
and worst of all - vendors. These sort of people can be awkward.
They hang around in the house you're hoping to buy, while
they find another to move into. This causes a log jam in the
buying - selling chain. It can ruin your purchase, or worse,
it can ruin the sale of the house you are hoping to move out
of. But it all comes right in the end. You say to yourself
'never again'.
DIVORCE
The settled life brings its reward. Worries disappear. Luxuries
are acquired and each night you relax in your favourite chair
with a few drinks after a splendid meal. But you fail to heed
the alarm bells. While your belly swells contentedly, your
beautiful wife has worked-out at the local gym. She is trim
and alluring, still highly attractive to the opposite sex.
She meets a young chap, half your age, and falls in love with
him.
Oh heck! It only seems like yesterday that you were both madly
in love and pledged to each other till eternity. But now it's
time for divorce. Once again you visit your solicitor's office
and have a chat with an independent financial adviser. And
when its all over you say to yourself 'never again'. But of
course you set out in the very same direction. It's time to
party before you slide into the sixth age of man, because
as you often say to yourself - 'I dont't want to be a 'Boring
Old Git''.
MIDDLE LIFE CRISIS
The fading signals and grey eternal walls of that antique
station, which, familiar to them and insignificant, does yet
whisper to the tourist the last enchantment of the Middle
Age
- Max Beerbohm, English humourist, 1911
OVER
THE HILL
The descent begins. You tick off milestone birthdays of your
life galloping by. The 40th, the 50th, the 60th. It now takes
longer to get up in the morning. It takes an age to pull on
your socks. Sex is a distant memory. You settle for the sedentary
life. Reading the books you always wanted to. Visiting old
friends and new places. Renewing old relationships, and forging
new ones. All the time you make sure you are adding value
to life. There isn't much time left now.
THE
PARTY'S OVER
Why fear death ? It is the most beautiful adventure in life.
- Charles Frohman, before drowning in the Lusitania, 1915
FINAL
CURTAIN
You're ancient now. You dribble like a baby. You sometimes
forget who you are. Can't recall names and faces. Your skin
looks like you've spent your lifetime in a bath. But you don't
despair, and things start to feel better. You think it's a
bit morbid, but your mind turns to last minute chores, such
as putting affairs in order and tidying up the last strands
of your life. You ensure everyone around you, your family,
and some very special friends are taken care off. You aim
to leave behind a good impression of yourself. You pray that
it's the image that lasts in their eyes. Now you relax, and
try to avoid ill health. But finally it proves fatal. Farewell!
Opportunity
for Women
If you want to become an instant centi-millionairess there
is no better way to do it than to work for an Internet company.
A one time product manager for Microsoft is now Melinda Gates.
Steven Case of AOL and Brodie Keast, a former Apple marketing
executive, both married the PR girls of their respective companies.
After reading the above you may ask... where do I go from
here?
David Filo, co-founder of Yahoo and worth 6.5 billion is available,
as is Trilogy executive Joseph Liemondt, although not as filthy
rich as Filo, he still comes in with a cool 1.5 billion.
There are a number of other 'good catches' available for the
wily female who wants to get involved in the chase for worldly
happiness; a good bet could be Todd Wagner who sold broadcast.com,
the company he started with partner Mark Cuban, to Yahoo for
a mere 5.7 billion dollars. Wagner is worth 1.2 billion dollars.
The co-founder of broadcast.com Mark Cuban is still not hitched
and probably worth having dinner with, at a swish eatery,
on some wet Tuesday evening. Don't drag your posterior on
this one for too long as Cuban is reportedly worth close to
2 billion.
So, get on to your travel agent and head for Silicon Valley
where there are reported to be 6000 more single men than females.
Don't say we didn't tell you.
With
Gold and Silver, I thee...
Poland got gold at the 1932 Olympics for the 100m when Ms
Stella Walasiewicz came in as the winner. Success was hers
again in 1936 when Ms Walasiewicz brought home silver. When
Walasiewicz emigrated to the USA, and killed by a stray bullet
at a supermarket shoot out in 1980, the reason for the success
was finally unveiled.
The autopsy revealed that Walasiewicz was, as the serving
pathologist put it, in possession of 'primary male characteristics'.
Goldfinger
man got both silver and gold
Harold Sakata, better known as Oddjob in the 1964 James Bond
'Goldfinger' movie, won silver at the 1948, London Olympics
for weightlifting. Sakata repeated his success 16 years later
when he won gold.
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